Death's Revelation
by balita
Summary: Spike is going to die. It was just bound to happen, here are his thoughts before he dies. (Bad summary yes I know) It's better (hopefully) than it sounds. First fanfic on this site. Oneshot,songfic. PLZ R&R. (SxF)


**Balita: HIYA everybody this is my first fanfic on this site. Constructive criticism would be appreciated. Pretty please review it would mean a lot to me. Warning: Spike may be a bit OOC...but that's because he's thinking . Newayz happy reading! I hope you enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...sniffles&sobs not even Spike drools.**

**Thanks tomystery-child and tiki-chanfor beta-reading for me. hugs both to death. Now onward to the fic!**

**Death's Revelations**

_Last time I talked to you  
You were lonely and out of place  
You were looking down on me  
Lost out in space  
Laid underneath the stars  
Strung out and feeling brave  
Watch the red-orange glow  
Watch you float away_

He was feeling particularly pensive and it scared him. He didn't like to think, to plan he was contented with responding, being true to his impetuous nature he just wanted things to flow like water. But knowing that you voluntarily were heading to your death made you contemplate things, resolve things in your mind, and so for once in his life Spike Spiegel forfeited to his thoughts. He needed to pass the time anyways. The first thing that came to mind was…_Faye_. His mind pushed her away he would think of something else, _anything_ else. Julia. She was beautiful, and she had haunted him for most of his life without her. Like he was a stranded occupant of a deserted, and she was that daunting boat through the mist. He could feel her, taunting him, she was so tangible all his five senses distinguished that she was there. But she continued to elude him until the very end.

He felt her body close to him and when she had whispered those words, they clanged and rang in his mind. All that noise was disturbing and so instead of making more he simply sat that there holding her, the captivating demon that had bewitched his former partner, and had him sitting in the palm of her hand. She had been courageous until the destined end. She had stuck by him in her mind protecting him, till she was lying lifeless in his arms, rain pouring soaking their clothes, his warmth seeping through her deadening skin in a desperate attempt to keep her with the rest of this bloody world. But she slipped through again, once again she won. She always won. He had left her there and let his life boat go that day. You see until now Spike had a passion a drive, to run away, but for some reason the past was always intended to follow the future. And suddenly she was, _it—_his past—was just in his reach. He failed again though; Julia was and forever would be his definitive failure. He knew it was written in stone somewhere.

That's why he left her there, so she could be free somewhere without having to worry about his well-being. He let her be that songbird she always wished she was. He let her have liberty. _Goodbye Julia_.

_Down here in the atmosphere  
Garbage and city lights  
Gotta save your tired soul  
Gotta save our lives  
Turn on the radio  
To find you on satellite  
Waiting for the sky to fall  
Waiting for a sign_

His mind wandered again…_Faye_. His mind skipped and tripped over itself at that thought, he despised that, he never was very clumsy. So he ignored her and thought about something else instead. Jet, was the next best thing, possibly a little more or little less difficult than Julia, but still better.

He'd been cruising around with the old man for quite some time, and honestly he had grown attached to him, they were partners now. As thick as thieves. Jet had unknowingly taken the position of trusted confidant, dearest friend, protective older brother, and all that other sentimental shit. He truly hoped Jet wouldn't miss him _too_ much; ideally he would have the man not miss him at all. However Spike's ideal world didn't exist, life would have been boring if it did, at least that's what he thought.

His partner most certainly did not deserve to sink as low as depression because of him, he wasn't worth the trouble, so maybe—just maybe—he would return half alive and Jet or whoever would do another one of their amazing repair jobs. He survived a lot before; he may just be able to survive this one too. But unfortunately Spike's intuition was telling him the complete opposite. It would be better this way he justified stubbornly, he didn't want to regret a single thing when he was out there with Vicious, too much could happen when he started to regret. He couldn't even provide any consolation anyways so what was the point? It was just one less life that Jet had to constantly fuss about. And even though Jet liked playing the father figure he had to realize sometime in his long life (the bastard was probably going to live till he was 110) that it is impossible to be everyone's savior. The last lesson he would ever teach that wise man.

And as Spike zoomed to that building in which the Devil himself was waiting to claim his soul, he smirked. _Make me a legend in one of your stories Jet_._ I'll talk you again one day partner_. He could almost distinctly hear Jet whisper, '_Talk to you later Spike-o_.'

_And all we are  
Is oh so far _

He was entering and in a dizzying flash, it seemed that time and fate had sped itself up for him to meet this moment. To confront this man who he felt the uttermost contempt for and yet he felt something else. This feeling had twisted itself into his disdain, holding it back, so that it hadn't reached its full potential. And it never would.

_You're falling back to me  
The star that I can't see  
But I know your out there  
Somewhere out there  
You're falling out of reach  
Defying gravity  
But I know you're out there  
Somewhere out there_

His brain was back to its reminiscing, but that was okay it was sort of motivating him, and the adrenaline electrified its way through his body sending single shocks that kept him with the reality of his situation while attaching him to the world in his head. Confusing really, so he didn't dare try to comprehend it.

_Faye_…the slash across a limb was enough to catch his attention. His psyche searched his large storage of the memories he had unconsciously harvested in the past few years. His mind was like that, it stored miniscule seeds of all the many people he came in contact with, which when the time was necessary, he would feed off of. It was the reason he was such a quick study, and the reason he could give such perfect advice: his prior knowledge was always handy. He was grateful for that as his memory picked another character from his already second past.

Edward. He didn't even want to go through the whole tedious process of repeating her _whole_ name in his mind. She was a bizarre earthling. She was just so child-like and so innocent yet so…_odd_ that one couldn't help but not only be intrigued but also become quite fond of her. Sometimes he find himself staring at her in perplexed wonder while others he wanted to strangle the strange brat. She was such a riddle and for all her random babble her words and ideas surprisingly made sense. Such an intelligent being, and to be honest he felt a little protective of her. Like a father or something. Too bad she left to find that equally peculiar father of her's, it was sort of fun to have such an interesting ward to take care of. Maybe some Jet had rubbed off on him. He wouldn't have been surprised.

But then he realized part of the reason he was here and facing Vicious was not solely because he wanted to close this bothersome chapter of his life, he also wanted to protect those who were or used to be on the Bebop from any danger. He didn't want Vicious stalking on them, _preying_ on them like they were a quick snack before his holocaust dinner. He simply wanted them to be safe. The slash with its oozing, coopery blood, and smarting sting placed on his stomach assured him that they would be. With that gash Spike simply patted Ed's head and chuckled at her flying, dancing, free image. She was the true embodiment of childhood, her annoying curiosity and all. _See ya later kid_. '_Bye-bye Spike-person_,' she echoed in return.

_Hope you remember me  
When you're homesick and need a change  
I miss your purple hair  
I miss the way you taste  
I know you'll come back some day  
On a bed of nails I wait  
I pray that you don't burn out  
Or fade away_

He had just informed Vicious of Julia's death, and that he was tired of playing petty games. He wanted to complete it. Now. The reason for this sudden urgency was that he had finally understood that lingering feeling surrounding the cloud of all that was Vicious. It was brotherly love; it was the fact that no matter what Vicious did he would still hold the key to Spike's redemption. Spike wanted to damn him for it, wanted to condemn him until there was no possible way that he would ever see the light, and only the hissing, simmering gates of hell could ever greet him. But he couldn't, in every part of his being he almost _needed_ to but it simply couldn't be done. Ironic, wasn't it that he could only find peace through the thing that he with every fiber of his being, seen and unseen, hated, and that one thing was the only thing that could kill him. Too bad that thing was a thing at all, it was the person he had respected and befriended. Ah well, he knew it was Life's way at laughing at him. '_See kid's_,' she grinned, '_this is what happens when I'm called a bitch too many times_.' (The thought amused him.) He also knew that somewhere in his mind he was thanking Vicious for this, for providing him with a means of waking up from this dream world, for a brief period of time.

Another reason for this sudden turn of impatience was that he had decided to address the topic that was _Faye Valentine_. She was extraordinary, and she was making him second guess himself. If Vicious didn't do something fast he (as in Vicious) would be dead in a matter of seconds and Spike would gladly skip away, fly and jump into her arms. Exactly in that order. She, if Vicious didn't finish him off soon, would be the end and the beginning of him. He would get lost in her essence everything that she was. Did he ever mention how enchanting she was? Not the Julia type of enchanting, nope there was absolutely nothing Julia-like about her, she was her own breed that consisted only of her. He was right when he told her that not every woman was like her. There was no woman like her. Julia (God bless her soul), as amazing as she was paled in comparison. And yet…yet he couldn't accept his feelings for her, they were after all a bit overwhelming. And yet…

Oh hell he didn't know, well he did actually but he didn't want to be bothered with grasping the simple fact. All he knew is that even while he was dead she would be ever present in his mind, containing him consuming him like she had all this time without his knowledge. He hated how he was so ignorant.

And while he was killing his savior and trying to protect everyone that had encompassed his life he knew, plainly_ knew_ that he was hurting her. Ripping her apart. And despite how extremely he abhorred doing so he did it anyways, because you see Spike was always afraid of this feeling, and he knew that he would live forever and yet never live at all if began to feel such a thing. He hoped vainly that she wouldn't miss him, because he would definitely miss that purple hair. _Faye_…

_And all we are  
Is oh so far_

Now that he could feel his life seeping out of him he resolved that he should at the very least ponder this thought maybe a little more than he had before, because unlike before it was assured that his death was coming faster.

Faye Valentine. She was a complete enigma to him, a puzzle that unlike Ed or Julia or anyone else now that he thought about it that he desired to— no was driven to solve. He wanted to fit every bit and piece of her together, sliding it all in to see everything she was in his brain. He wanted to map out her mind and delve into soul like a prying scientist that held the rarest specimen and was determined to memorize every contour, every shape, every angle. It was a feeling that possessed him from the very start however he didn't understand it then and so he buried it, trying to remain content in just bothering or ignoring her, because it was better that way. Sometimes he could be such and adolescent it was unbelievable.

He didn't know what initially attracted him to Faye, but she seemed to possess this energy that was such a contrast to Julia's that it was like dancing a flame in front of a moth. There was the yearning to get closer but he knew the closer he got the more searing life would be and in the end it was guaranteed he was going to be burnt. Her unexplainable passion and her zest for all that contained money made him waggle a finger and make tsk-ing sounds. And that same fervor and voracity for money made her dangerous. Miss Lady Luck was inevitably bad luck and that was just so more enticing. You see, Spike up at that point had only Julia, sure he had other girlfriends but never had anyone appealed to him like Julia did. They were opposites Julia and Spike. Julia was quiet and sweet and just so calming that being with her had soothed his mind and lulled him off to the sweetest of all life's dreams that he never in his whole short existence never wanted to cease dreaming. It was too precious, too close to the tangy euphoria he lusted after in life. But this was reality and all dreams just like one's life have to come to an inescapable ending. That life had ended in a sweeping nightmare he never sought to experience again.

That's why he needed Faye. She was cold and harsh, comfortable and delicate all at the same time. She was brave and still so vulnerable that being with her he felt more alive, more _real_ than he ever had in his life. Such a mixture was too good to pass up, a true addicting, _invigorating_ cocktail that he would never get tired of. It was beyond perfect and beneath satiating ability. She was a paradox and Spike for some unfathomable reason liked this paradox.

Perhaps it was because in some ways they were alike, sure opposites attract but we bonded to those that were similar and dissimilar to us at the same time. It was the reason we dressed and coordinated the way things we do, it was nature's unspoken law and few people realized this fact. Similarities were important because it was needed for a balance, dissimilarities needed for attraction and Spike and Faye contained both. There was nothing they could do about it, it just happened to be.

Maybe that was the reason his body stood on edge around her, and instead of treading softly he trampled. It could also explain the reason why when he was staring into those bright verdure coloured eyes his body pounded in time with his heart. Maybe that was why he was all along dreading this death that had so easily befell him. All because of one single woman in which he wanted to bury himself complete in until there was nothing left to find and she was there raw, and her unmatched glory continued to make his head spin, awaiting the hour he could no longer understand her and have once again complete that magnificent procedure over. Yes, he could see it clearly in his mind, now he had to confirm it.

_You're falling back to me  
The star that I can't see  
But I know your out there  
Somewhere out there  
You're falling out of reach  
Defying gravity  
But I know you're out there  
Somewhere out there_

He was walking, at the moment, toward more syndicates, ready to mercilessly slaughter him if need be. But it wasn't necessary.

The sun was up shining down happily, beaming because another man had made an astounding revelation that not enough men make before they die. He watched those syndicate zombies and smiled. He was about to be free, released, he was about to be higher than the tallest building and deeper than the universe around him. But his life was not complete yet…

"Bang…" and with that single word he crumpled to the floor, but don't be fooled that bang had signified everything. He wasn't afraid of his thoughts anymore, he faced them. And this cowboy hit them directly.

_I love your hair; I love you with makeup and even more without it. I love your passion and I love your vulnerability. And I'm sorry, ever so sorry that I didn't see. I love how I can't figure you out but your so simple. I'm sorry Faye Valentine but I love you, you are my reality._ And the apologetic Spike could no longer see the past instead he saw the future, he wanted to wipe her tears away, he wanted to kiss her quivering lip, but it was too late, because he wouldn't be coming back.

_I guess_, he pondered, _there are something's in life that we are intended to regret, because the salvation of death can only go so far…besides, she would have been a whole lotta trouble_.

**Balita:PLEASE review i would really like some constructive criticism to help me improve, thanks for reading. JA NE!**


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